It’s a little unnerving that I write more insightful/interesting entries online than I do in my hard-copy journal. My soul is bared to the public, open to anybody who searches the web for “modern art” or “Jessica Simpson thong” (the two most popular web searches leading to my blog).
Anyway, it’s really fun for me to read back on my old entries — it’s fascinating to touch base with the me from 7 months ago, or the me from 2 years ago. Especially fun to read about my time working for the forest service. I was really lost about my direction in life back then… Granted, I still am… but I think I am finally headed somewhere (hopefully), at least. I’m going back to school, and things are going really well with my B.F.F., other than that I still have some stuff to work on to get my life on the best track possible (as in, to a place where I will feel useful and productive).
But despite my tendency to resist progress and parties, I still love me! Today I went to a yoga class at a studio, something I haven’t done since my old yoga buddy/roommate moved to Oregon. The teacher, I admit — she was a little on the young/hot side so I maybe judged her a little. But during savasana she took us through a great step-by-step visualization. In a nutshell, she told us to picture someone we really adored, and think about why we like them, and lastly wish them well. Then she told us to picture ourselves, and think about how we feel about ourselves (I was already in a good mood that morning, so I was immediately on the path, like: “I’m sort of frustrating to live with, but I love me anyway!”) Finally she had us think about someone we didn’t like so much, or someone who had wronged us. I had a feeling she would go there. I thought about people from my past, one or two people at work, and then people who I don’t know personally but who I have wanted to suffer (such as murderers and pedophiles). I had a hard time giving out mental good wishes to everyone, but why not? Why should I hold on to any kind of negativity, when it was never pushed on me to begin with?
Every now and then, I think we all could use a little slate-wiping. A fresh perspective, a clean start. I mean ideally we should do it everyday. At least, I should. But I like to fill my surroundings with voices and distractions. It is only occasionally I give in to the quiet, and just be still.
There is a word used in Japanese mediation… “mu.” It means “nothing”, basically. You might think that chanting to yourself “I am nothing, I am nothing” is depressing or strange. But I think it is very refreshing, every now and then, to clear the mind of voices — of scattered thoughts — of meaningless meanderings. And just Be.
